It was January of 2003, the new year before. It must have been a happy and healthy year. The new year may be your second chance. An opportunity to become a better person, strengthening relationships, setting goals and fight for your dreams.
Anxiously awaiting a call back from my lung doctor father went to see about two hours before, I tried to work, but could not concentrate. I had a nervous feeling in my stomach the night before, when I realized my dad was very ill. It seemed the breath when talking on the phone with him. I could hear him coughing, and felt a weakness in him. All I could do was wait until after seeing the doctor the next day.
The term lymphoma was foreign to me, but sent a shock through my body so pervasive that I went numb. The only words that came out of my mouth when I was talking with the doctor were "the what?" With slight hesitation he asked me if my father shared with me his health problems. I replied, "Apparently not!" I could not have more information until my father gave permission.
Although it was a lymphoma unknown to my sisters and me, it was not a stranger to my father who was diagnosed a year earlier. At that point did not need to care and because there is no cure for mantle cell lymphoma, called for a drug test when the time came. Because we lost my mother to cancer in 1995, my father wanted to spare us this devastating news until absolutely necessary.
At this time, the disease that still lay in his body, decided it was time to explode. A family meeting was scheduled with the specialist cancer my dad had been seen throughout the year. As my younger sister, her husband, my Father girl and I gathered around my hospital bed Father, it seemed surreal. The only option was to give my Father, and prednisone followed by a treatment of chemotherapy. (CHOP) Since he was so weak, there was the possibility of complications that could endanger life. We did not have much choice.
Almost every bad thing that could have happened because, in addition to situations that even confused the doctors. My Father ended up in ICU for 2 times. The second time I had to have a breathing tube inserted. Meanwhile, his kidneys were in crisis and needed dialysis. On top of this, he developed a necrosis of the feet and upper lip. This caused gangrene to set in part of the lip is dead because of this lack of blood flow. There was a possibility that should have had portions of his feet amputated. After removal of dead tissue on my lip Father his speech became impaired. The problems affected the movement of his hands and he did not have the dexterity he once did.
Based on the experience of watching my mother die out of cancer, I knew that my ability to survive would set in You must leave your comfort zone and become the pillar of strength that the parent has always been for you. It becomes optimistic when he feels pessimistic. You put on a brave face when all I want to do is cry. You become the caregiver when you're used to being treated. You become a lawyer and speak with conviction when you were the first listener. You become the teacher searching for the killer disease before when you were a student. Before it was when you were a kid and your parents were your teachers. They laid a canvas for you and with their guidance and nurturing you started to paint the picture. The image of your life. If you were lucky like me, you have been given the tools and lessons so that when you needed a situation like this sort have been able to rise up and orchestrate the best of your ability.
The hardest part was I could not do anything about the physical destruction of the Father my body. Only a few weeks before was so strong and healthy. Now he could not walk and could not talk to the articulation of an intelligent man he was. He could not eat, and a feeding tube was inserted.
How do you persuade a man in this state, who has been through so much pain and suffering, which should be happy to be alive? E 'selfish in part because they want to live for you. Was any part of this good? For me it was the day to day survival. For my father was the day to day survival. How ironic. One of us was healthy and the other close to death, but the survival skills were needed by both. I felt like every ounce of my being sucked out of me. I felt like I had to live for both of us.
After a bit 'tired of seeing how, sadly, life without the loved one and how to become and accept that their fight may be over. It should be their choice to live or not.
Just look at my Dad was enough for me, but it was not enough for him. I knew he hated that we had to see it that way. There must come a time when you're so bad, that give you hope, and do not want to live as you are. My father was selfless throughout his life. At this time the choice was his. We owed him the right of redemption.
Sold April 8, 2003 and its wonderful, strong soul rose to heaven, where he was reunited with his beautiful bride.
There is a missing piece in my heart and soul where my parents once were. A void that can never be filled. I have some comfort in knowing that do not suffer, and are at peace in the arms of each other '. I am grateful for the time I had with them.
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